A Letter to My Love
by HekkoRules
Summary: She didn't mean for things to turn out the way they had. She just wanted to feel better! But, just like everything else in her life, it had backfired on her. She had to fix it. But could she fix it? A story of truth, love, betrayal, and the concept of inner self-examination.


I promised myself to get over him, to end it, but dammit he makes things so difficult! It honestly wasn't fair for me, that's for sure. I've loved that boy since preschool, preschool! I mean what kind of three year old falls in love with the first boy she sees? Well, obviously me, right? It wasn't like I didn't have a reason...

My father never payed much attention to me, in fact, he still doesn't! Although, I do have to say I'm at least lucky he's not abusive. Not like it would matter though, it would just be one more thing for me to deal with. I'm not perfect like Olga, my older sister. She gets the straight As, she's the beautiful one, she's the one with all the guys falling at her feet. She's a pianist protege, a teacher, actress, she's everything a parent could ask for in a child. My mother, she used to be like that (I always hear her complaining about how her life was ruined somewhere along the way when she met my father). Now, all she does is try to drink away her misery. Pretty pathetic, right? Like I don't know what's in her 'smoothies.'

So, is it any mystery why I fell in love with the first boy to compliment me? To show me some ounce of kindness I have been deprived of for all of my life? I don't think so, although this one kid definitely breaks my heart day in and day out.

I don't think the Football-Head actually realizes it. I mean, he is dense as could be. There were so many times that he could've found out my secret. The pink notebook incident, the stupid parrot dilemma, the locket issue, oh, and the times I decided to spill my guts and had to try and fix everything all over again! Although, I _never_ actually told him to his face that I like him... Like him? I love that stupid Football-Head!

I used to write so many poems about him, in fact, I still do! Now-a-days though, my poems are more mature, considering I am a lot older now than I was then (I am seventeen). I feel like when I write poems, it keeps my feelings in check and prevents me from spilling my guts about him at any possible moment.

Phoebe's been a good friend to me over the years, though sometimes I am an awful friend to her. I know I should be better, but it's just who I am. I'm defensive, always have been. Have you met Ol' Betsy? She got me through a lot of rough and tough times man.

So, what's wrong? Well, I still love him.

_Arnold_.

I swear it doesn't make sense. I've tried everything to get over him! I tried to just avoid him, ignore him, date other guys like Sid and Brainy (Yes, Brainy... I know I still can't believe it either!) However, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't do it... I couldn't forget. I couldn't forget his eyes, his golden hair, his smile, his voice, his scent! There must be something wrong with me. I'm Helga G. Pataki for criminy's sake! One of the toughest girls in school! But, maybe I'm not? I am afraid of rejection. Is that way I never told Arnold? Fear?

I feel like I should tell him, but how? He's dating _Lila_, little miss perfect with the brunette pig-tails. It had taken a while, but he finally got her to say 'yes' to a date. Honestly broke my heart in half. I must've cried for weeks! That's when I started dating guys all over the place. None of them could compare, though. So, here I am sitting on the steps of H.S. 118 watching Arnold and Lila talk to Gerald and Phoebe, another couple. I'm happy for Phoebe. She always liked Gerald. I just wish I could have her luck.

It's pretty cold today and tomorrow is the first day of winter. I don't really care, though. With the parents I have, I became used to the cold weather without a jacket years ago. I do wish sometimes, though, that they actually would care. Just a little.

I can see Arnold, Lila, Gerald, and Phoebe all laughing. I wonder what's so funny? Arnold's in his usual red flannel shirt that he now wears over the green sweater and wearing his blue jeans with black sneakers. Lila's clothing didn't change much over the years, maybe less dress-like and more casual clothing. Phoebe wears a blue sweater that looks similar to her blue dress back in elementary school and her blue jeans. Gerald, well Tall-Hair-Boy looks pretty much exactly the same, though I think his hair actually got taller as he got older... Who knows?

I kinda wish I was over there, laughing with them, talking with them, but it would hurt too much to be so close to Arnold. It already hurts just sitting and watching them! I get up halfheartedly and walk in the opposite direction of the four, towards my house. Why stick around when I'm just going to be miserable?

The walk home was long, and cold. I think it actually got colder because the wind picked up speed. By the time I got home, I was freezing. I'm definitely ready to go inside. I open the door to the house and call out for my parents and lo and behold no answer. I think they went out of town to visit Olga, but I don't remember. I don't think I was paying much attention. I usually zone out once Big Bob calls me 'Olga.' If he can't get my name right, he will not get my attention.

The house is pretty warm. Thank God! I search the kitchen for some food, but the only thing I could find was some pork rinds... Yeah, I'm definitely not eating those again. Don't need another 'sleep-walking' experience and blab everything to Arnold.

Arnold... Why must I always think about him! I begrudgingly walk up the stairs to the second floor and to my bedroom. I think I have some hidden food somewhere in here. And, yes I do! It's really fortunate that I have this stash of chips and such like that.

You know, when I was younger, I probably would've used items like this to make an 'Arnold' shrine. Pretty weird huh?

"I'm really glad I am old enough to know not to build a shrine."

I'm beginning my homework. I hate homework. It's so boring! Who wants to know about dead presidents anyhow? I mean, they ARE dead, what's the point? Anyway, I'm probably just going to do my math homework first.

"Yay. Statistics." I say sarcastically.

I basically do about maybe five problems before my mind wanders again... Back to Arnold!

"Damn."

No matter what I do, I can't get him off my mind. I lay back on my bed, thinking. I mean, what could I do? Should I tell him that I love him? What if he just feels disgusted? What if I make things awfully worse? There has to be something I can do!

"Wait a minute..."

I take out a sheet of paper and a pen.

"Maybe I can write him a letter!"

I know it's a long shot, but maybe this will help things... I probably won't give it to him, but hey might as well do it.

I take the pen in my hand and uncap it. Yes, it's a pink pen. What can I say? The boy likes pink.

Pressing the tip to the paper I begin the letter,

"_Dear Arnold,"_

Okay, so that's the beginning... Now, what do I write? Do I just write everything that comes to my mind? How would that go? I guess I might as well... I'm not giving it to him anyway.

"_Dear Arnold,_

_I know this letter is a little unorthodox, especially for me, but I have got to write to you, to get these things off my mind. Since the beginning of preschool when I first saw you, I fell in love. Yes, that's right. LOVE! L-O-V-E. But, there is a reason for it. _

_I was having an awful day. My parents ignored me and I had to walk by myself to preschool. I guess Olga was more important than their youngest three year old daughter. On the way, it began to rain, badly. I was walking past all these alleyways filled with scary looking men; I was splashed with mud by a moving car; and a dog stole my lunch! I was on the verge of crying. But then, you showed up. You held your umbrella over me, showing me kindness. I was so shocked! But, you just kept smiling at me saying hi. You even said you liked my bow because it was pink like my pants. To say the least, you actually saw me, actually cared enough._

_I fell in love at that moment. You were kind, compassionate, always helping others. If you had only been that way once, I might've gotten over you, but you weren't and aren't! You constantly showed me how that was you, how you would always be like that. Yes, you're handsome and your eyes are gorgeous, and your smile brightens up my day, and your voice is like chocolate for my ears, and... okay now I'm just rambling, but yes, you have all those characteristics, but I fell in love with you because of your kindness, your compassion, your will to always help others._

_I know I bullied you all through elementary school, always calling you Football-Head, Arnoldo, Paste-for-Brains, Wet-Blanket... maybe I should stop... But, I was afraid of rejection, afraid that if I were to show you, show everyone that I loved you, people would laugh at me, mock me! I couldn't live with that. So, I gained the reputation of being a bully, tough and incapable of emotions. I pushed you away from me. And, I regret it everyday of my life._

_I would hide behind trashcans and monologue to myself about you, about how amazing you are. I can't believe you didn't notice! But yes, I love you. You heard me, pal! (or at least read me) I love you! Love you! Who else do you think had been stalking you night and day, building shrines to you in a closet, filling volumes of books with poems about you? I love you! Arnold, I've always loved you ever since I first laid eyes on your stupid football head. And from that moment- every moment since- I've lived and dreamed for you, dreamed of the moment I could finally tell you of my secret feelings so I could grab you and kiss you and..._

_Okay, maybe I should stop there... That's a little extreme. But, yes, I love you Arnold, even still and always. It hurts me to see you with Little Miss Perfect, knowing that she has what I could never have. But, I want you to be happy Arnold, that's all I want, even if I myself am miserable._

_So, that's it Arnold. That's what I wanted to tell you._

_Love,"_

Should I write my name. Do I dare? I've had so many troubles in the past with putting my name on anything, like the notebook, the locket... Maybe I shouldn't put my name on it... But, what could go wrong? No, I want to finish it completely, so I will sign my name.

"_Love,_

_Helga G. Pataki"_

There. The perfect letter to my love. The letter I never intend to send.

* * *

It's weird. There was always something missing, a hole in my soul that I could never fill completely. Yes, my parents had left me when I was two for San Lorenzo. They had good intentions, though! They wanted to save the Green Eyed people, their tribe. I don't blame them for leaving me, though I do wish I could have seen them again, seen their faces one last time. Sometimes, it's hard for me to remember what they looked like; I was two don't forget. I just wish... I wish I had more time with them. There was that one day when he received a letter from Eduardo, my father's friend, four years ago (I'm seventeen right now in my junior year of high school at H.S. 118)

My parents had passed away in a plane crash.

They found the plane somewhere in the Bermuda Triangle, thousands of miles away from San Lorenzo. Apparently, the navigation controls, the altitude indicator, and the direction finder _mysteriously _malfunctioned while in flight. They didn't stand a chance.

My grandparents... they were never the same again after reading the letter. My grandma, the crazy one, the one who always seemed so strong, so full of passion, lost that spark in her eyes. My father's disappearance had already been rough on her, causing her to live in a world of her own, but with the news of his death, both their deaths, she completely snapped. There's no smile, no laughter, no crazy holidays... She had lost whatever else she had left; her personality completely shifted. My grandfather tries to be the strong one, but it was hard on him too. There was some type of hope amongst the three of us, but...

We held a funeral that year for them, but not many people showed up. I didn't want to spread the news, to have people pity me. Gerald found out on his own, or at least he forced me to talk. He could always tell when something was wrong, and he would never give up until I spilled. He's still like that! That's what makes him my best friend. When Gerald found out, Phoebe found out. It was kind of like a package deal. There was also one other person there, someone I hadn't seen since the fourth grade. It was weird seeing her again, after all those years, and oddly enough, seeing her caused this feeling in the pit of my stomach.

_Cecile._

I wasn't sure how she found out about my parent's death, but it was comforting to know she was there, though not for long. She disappeared after the service. I never got to say goodbye! I've never felt that same feeling since. I wonder who she is? I wish she would tell me; there _was_ always something I like about her, something that reminded me of someone else I knew, though, I can never pinpoint who.

Later, in that same year, Oskar Kokoshka passed away, being murdered by a gang he had borrowed money from. The death greatly impacted the Boarding House, even Ernie cried. We were-correction- we _are_ a family, no matter how odd it is, no matter how much we may get on each other's nerves. Susie suffered the most. She still doesn't leave her room; I pay for her living at the Boarding House now (I have a job at Slausens). What can I say? I feel bad. It didn't matter how many fights the Kokoshkas got in, she loved him.

Maybe these are the reasons why I feel like I'm missing something? Or maybe it's something more?

How about we talk about some... happier moments in my life...

After many years of asking Lila out since the fourth grade, she finally agreed during freshman year in H.S. 118, and we've been dating ever since. She's been that little ray of sunshine that I needed in my life, though, sometimes I feel like I hardly know her, like we're just going through the motions. But that can't be, right? I mean I love her... Right?

Gerald's dating Phoebe, and, honestly, I can't be happier for the two of them! Gerald has liked Phoebe for as long as I can remember. It took some _coercion_ on my part, but he finally agreed at some point to ask her out. That was back during... I want to say sophomore year? I know, right? I can't believe I don't remember! I feel kind of like a bad friend now...

So, today is the day before the first day of winter. It's pretty chilly, but I'm used to it now after all these years. I _have_ been living in Hillwood since before I can remember, though I find it odd that it hasn't begun to snow yet... I'm standing in a circle with three of my classmates, my friends: Gerald, Phoebe, and Lila. They all look pretty much as they all have, but I'm not really sure... Lila looks like she's, well, upset about something. I hope she'll tell me what's wrong; I hate seeing her like that.

"Oh, but Gerald... I'm ever so certain that you're hair is actually _taller_ than last year. It looks like it may be taller than me!"

We all couldn't help but laugh at what Lila said, even Gerald! It was true; Gerald's stack of hair was _so_ much taller than it ever was. Then, Phoebe decided to chime in her thought,

"I know, right? Sometimes I'm afraid that he'll just tip over one day while standing."

Okay, now that was definitely funny. It caused tears to come to my eyes! My vision blurred, my sides hurt from all the laughing, and at some point I think I stopped breathing! Wait? I just saw someone in a pink tank, blue jeans, andwith yellow pig-tails just get up from the high school's steps not so far away.

Helga?

How long had she been sitting there, alone? I feel pretty bad now. I mean, Helga was sitting by herself. I should've at least invited her over! Helga's been pretty good to me now, though we don't talk much; maybe a 'hello' here and there? She doesn't bully me anymore, so that's a plus. I wonder how her home life is going? I know she has a rough time at home- neglectful parents, an attention seeking sister- I don't blame her. It would be nice, though, to see some semblance of the Helga I used to know... The Helga that didn't have to be completely detached from everyone.

I do remember that year she dated Sid. Boy, that was a weird year... I did _not_ expect it, no one did! Sid actually still talks about their... um..._moments_... together. If you know what I mean... I'm not sure if any of it is true, actually I hope it isn't true. I don't know... It disgusts me! Like, she isn't that kind of girl... is she? She's so much better than that, and deserves a guy who would love her indefinitely. Then, there was Brainy... BRAINY! That lasted maybe two months... There were some other guys, but they didn't last long enough to be mentioned...

Why was Helga dating all these jerks? I don't understand it! And, it bothers me... I'm not sure why, but it does.

I'm staring at her as she's walking away, noticeably upset. It's kind of heart breaking. I just keep looking off as she walks away, obviously really sad. Should I go after her? Invite her back?

"Guys, maybe we should've invited Helga over..."

Gerald is just giving me this look, the same look he _always_ gives when I say something about Helga. Gerald thinks I may like Helga, but I think he's wrong. I don't like Helga... I mean I can't! I love Lila, and I am so happy with her. Lila's my beautiful girlfriend!

"Arnold, if Helga wanted to talk to us, she would've came over here... on her own."

I just look back at Gerald. Man, how I wish I could just smack that smirk off his face. He's right, though. If Helga wanted to hang out with us, to talk to us, she would've came over. I look over to Phoebe, an expression of distress on her face. I guess she didn't notice Helga either... She must feel awful! Lila's expression hadn't changed at all, despite the few jokes we had made about Gerald's hair. I wonder what could be wrong?

I turn to Lila. It was about time we get going. I have _a lot_ of homework to do for tomorrow.

"Lila? Ready to go?"

"Oh, yes Arnold, ever so much! It's just ever so cold."

Is that why she looks so... so stressed? Disturbed? Upset?

Gerald and I do our handshake that we've had since preschool, Lila gives Phoebe a hug, I take Lila's hand, and we wave goodbye to our friends, walking in the direction to Lila's apartment. It was a long time, and we hadn't said anything to each other the whole walk there. Did it actually get colder? Anyway, I really want to know why she was upset like this, why she looks like there's just so many things going around in that pretty head of hers.

She walks up to her apartment door, not saying a word. I felt compelled to just say something!

"Lila? Is there something wrong?"

She stops short, and I can see her body tense. There was something definitely wrong... I just hope she is willing to tell me. Her back is facing me, so I can't see an expression on her face. She just stands there, probably thinking of her response, which is never good because that means she's just going to lie to me. She turns around, a full fledged smile on her face.

I can tell it's fake.

"Oh, Arnold. Nothing is wrong. What could ever be wrong? What could ever make you think that?"

_Damn_.

"Well, you just looked upset... I just though that maybe something was wrong... Are you sure you're okay?"

Her fake smile just broadens. She should know by now that I can tell the difference between a _real_ smile and a _fake_ one.

"Yes, Arnold. Thank you ever so much for asking! But, I am fine. I promise."

Is it just me, or is Lila's 'ever so's just _ever so_ annoying? Wait, where did that thought come from?

She comes down the apartment's steps and wraps her arms around my neck, kissing me. Every time Lila kisses me, I just feel emptiness... Like I said, I always feel like I'm missing something, but it's probably just all in my mind... right?

The kiss was short, but it was nice... I guess. She gives me one of her 'Lila' smiles (just as fake as the other ones) and waves goodbye to me, walking up and into her apartment. I feel my body shudder, probably from the cold, and just walk off in the direction to the Boarding House.

It wasn't a long walk, and my mind began to wander. I was always like that. I get it from my dad apparently, my head always lost in the clouds. Most people seem to think I'm more idealistic than realistic. Sometimes I have to wonder if that's a bad thing. I don't think it is... Is it? Everyone has desires, dreams... I just zone out into them from time to time. Okay, okay, yes, it is an issue, but I feel like there's something more that I need, something that I'm missing, and my 'daydreams' are just my way of finding a way out of reality... To find a place where things make sense, where I feel just a little more complete than I do here.

But wait... I still don't understand what I'm missing! I know the true origins of my parents' disappearances, I have a beautiful girlfriend that I love, I have a best friend that I believe to be my brother, I have my grandparents still, who are like parents to me, I have a family with the boarders... What's missing!? Why can't I figure this out!?

When will I be given some type of... of _SIGN_?

* * *

**CHAPTER 1 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. I PROMISE THIS IS THE ONLY CHAPTER THAT IS IN FIRST PERSON... ANYWAY, WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN? WILL HELGA GIVE ARNOLD THE LETTER? WHAT'S LILA TRYING TO HIDE FROM ARNOLD? DID ANY OF YOU CATCH THAT PART IN HELGA'S LETTER THAT WAS ACTUALLY FROM THE MOVIE? SO MANY QUESTIONS THAT SHALL BE ANSWERED :) PS UPLOADING DAYS WILL PROBABLY JUST BE ON SATURDAYS. I ONLY UPLOADED THIS EARLY BECAUSE IMMA BE GONE FOR LIKE A WEEK... SO YEAH :) ... OH AND ALL CHARACTERS AND PLACES BELONG TO THE AMAZING CRAIG BARTLETT... _REVIEW?_**


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